EPISODE 4

 

 

INT. HAIDEE’S ATELIER - DUSK

KANYE

Thanks for coming.

ERIC

You sounded stressed.

KANYE

I’m doing a Pop Up next week, no one knows about it yet, and it has to be GREAT. And I want to do more of it myself.

ERIC

What do you mean? Haidee’s not designing for you?

KANYE

She is...but I asked if I could try some of my ideas. And I’m freaking out.

ERIC

Okay. Take it easy. Let’s go through it one step at a time.

KANYE

Thanks. I feel better already.

They pause, then...

ERIC

This is SO strange. I think about you all the time. And I’m not gay. But...I think...I have a crush on you.

KANYE

I like you too, man.

They hug. A long hug. There is a confused moment. Will they kiss? They both pull back.

KANYE

Yo, whatever this is...we gotta put it on the back burner. Because I got a lot of shit to do. And...I can’t handle...

ERIC

Of course, this is weird. This is weird! Okay...I’ll go.

KANYE

I didn’t say THAT.

ERIC

Want me to help or just hang out?

KANYE

A little of both?

ERIC

I’ll make coffee.

 

 

 

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE - DAY

DJ and the psychiatrist, Dr. Laura, age 50, sit. They are silent, staring at each other.

DJ

I know it’s my first session but I’m not going to act shy or removed or reticent.

DR. LAURA

Okay.

DJ

I hate my Dad. He’s a narcissist sociopath. Surprise, surprise, right? It’s beyond boring.

DR. LAURA

It’s not boring in the least.

DJ

I fantasized about killing him the entire summer when I was 15.
I’m sure I’m just some chapter out of some textbook. Don’t all boys want to kill their Dads at some point?

DR. LAURA

No.

DJ

Oh. So I AM crazy?

DR. LAURA

I didn’t say that.

DJ

Will you call the authorities?

DR. LAURA

Do you have a gun?

DJ

You didn’t answer my question.

 

 

 

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INT. IVANKA AND JARED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jared is in bed, laptop open, when Ivanka comes in with a pint of ice cream and two spoons.

IVANKA

Movie night! Yeah!

JARED

Was torn between Darjeeling Limited and Royal Tenenbaums. Went with Tenenbaums.

IVANKA

Awesome! We watched that the first weekend I slept over.

Quiet, then...

JARED

Are we drifting apart?

IVANKA

Nah...just in a rut.

She hands him the ice cream as they smile through it.

 

 

 

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INT. WHITE HOUSE LIVING ROOM - DAY

Seated are Donald and Jared.

DONALD

You do your homework? You better have.

JARED

I did.

DONALD

I got two words for you. Brown and Root.

JARED

Exactly!!

DONALD

Where are the others? Ivanka, Eric and DJ?

JARED

They couldn’t make it.

DONALD

Disappointing. Okay. Fine. Talk to me.

JARED

Brown and Root were Lyndon Johnson’s benefactors from the very beginning.

DONALD

And why did they help him?

JARED

They were in the construction biz. At first, just roads. And then...

DONALD

Military bases. Dams. Everything. LBJ built things using his pals Brown and Root. They fund his political campaigns.

JARED

Both sides win.

DONALD

True. Except that now I’m "both sides". So, what’s your idea?

JARED

You ready? Because it is sheer genius. I need to know that you are ready, sir.

DONALD

I’m ready. I’m ready, goddamnit! Tell me!!

JARED

The Marshall Plan. But for North Korea. We visit and tour North Korea. Like Nixon did with China. We then...start our own construction company.

DONALD

And WE rebuild North Korea!! We use U.S. money! Tax payer money! Brilliant!!

JARED

The idea just came to me!!!

DONALD

Sometimes, just sometimes, you’re even smarter than me.

 

 

 

 

FADE TO BLACK

EPISODE 5

 

 

 

 

INT. IVANKA AND JARED’S BEDROOM - EARLY EVENING

Ivanka and Jared are listening to music while both in bed, working on their laptops.

IVANKA

Is this Adele or Fiona?

JARED

You’re kidding me, right?

IVANKA

They sound alike.

JARED

Well, apart from the phrasing, musicality, and lyric writing, they’re identical.

IVANKA

I like both.

JARED

Fiona is the real deal, and Adele is...

IVANKA

Oh no, not again. Please. Stop.

JARED

Well, don’t talk trash if you can’t back it up.

IVANKA

Trash talk? Excuse me?

JARED

Before you met me, you were listening to what? Alanis Morissette?

IVANKA

So what?

JARED

So...respect.

IVANKA

"Respect"? What...are you African American now? Because you once cut class in 7th grade to see a Beastie Boys concert?

JARED

I could’ve been a rapper.

IVANKA

MC Marshmallow?

JARED

That’s cruel.

Jared closes his laptop and turns out his light.

IVANKA

Don’t be so sensitive.

JARED

I regret letting you listen to my demo. It wasn’t THAT bad!

Ivanka bursts out laughing. Jared just turns over.

 

 

 

 

INT. HAIDEE’S ATELIER - NIGHT

Eric is looking over a sketch book, not thrilled with what he sees. Then gets up and looks at a garment on the clothes rack. Compares to sketch book. Then looks at his watch, shakes his head. He’s annoyed. Then Kanye walks in.

ERIC

Four hours late? That’s bullshit Kanye.

KANYE

Fuck you man. You’re not my Mom. Or my wife.

ERIC

I knew you’d say something like that.

KANYE

Really? Now you know what I’m going to say before I say it.

ERIC

I regret telling you about my confused feelings. At least I’m being nice about it. You can’t handle it, that’s why you’re being a jerk.

Eric violently pushes the sketch book into Kanye’s chest.

ERIC

And you know what? Your sketches suck. Actually, I take that back. Your sketches are mediocre. It would be better if they sucked because THAT would at least show something!

KANYE

You can’t hurt me! I’m Yeezy! I’m Jeezy. I’m Jesus!

ERIC

Well, whoever you are, your ideas are stale.

Eric walks out.

INT. WHITE HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Donald Trump is lying on the couch. Jared sits in a chair across from him.

DONALD

Tell me again. I love hearing it. How much has the US spent so far rebuilding Iraq?

JARED

The construction company Kellogg Brown and Root have made half a trillion dollars!

DONALD

And your estimate of what we could make rebuilding North Korea?

JARED

Five trillion dollars! Their ENTIRE infrastructure needs to be built. We cut out Kellogg. We set up dummy construction companies. In essence, our government...pays us!

DONALD

Trrrrrrrump. Trrrrrrrrillion. Just rolls off the tongue.

JARED

Plus...

DONALD

What?

JARED

Plus...a Nobel Prize. For you. For normalizing relations with North Korea.

DONALD

Do we unify them? North and South Korea?

JARED

Fuck it. Why not?

DONALD

Fuck it. Why not!!!

JARED

And we’d both be wise to create a diversion. If North Korea won’t do this deal then we bomb them.

Donald gets up and he and Jared dance around the room together, elated!

 

 

 

 

INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE - DAY

Dr. Laura and DJ sit.

DR. LAURA

Can we make another agreement?

DJ

Do I have a choice?

DR. LAURA

If we continue together in here you cannot blame your Mom or Dad for anything. What we concentrate on is YOU. What YOU need. Now. NOT some childhood riddle that we may never solve.

DJ thinks it over, then nods.

 

 

 

 

FADE TO BLACK

EPISODE 6

INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE - A WEEK LATER, DAY

Dr. Laura and DJ sit. He is glum. She’s not happy. She stands and opens her office door, dismissing him.

DR. LAURA

Self-pity is a crutch. Most therapists are okay with that. Not me. I am sorry. I can refer you to someone else.

DJ

Tough love? Nice. Just like my mom. No wonder Ivanka loves you.

DR. LAURA

Get yourself a deck of cards. Google "Push-Up Poker". Do it twice a day, everyday for a week...then come back.

She gestures for him to leave.

DR. LAURA

Resist the temptation to whine and complain. That’s the first step to healing.

DJ

That sounds kind of weird. Where’d you get your Ph.D?

DR. LAURA

University of Pennsylvania. And nobody pulled any strings to get ME in. Graduated #3.

DJ

Oh.

She closes the door slowly, and he sheepishly leaves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INT. DJ’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

DJ is on the floor in just his underwear. A deck of cards in front of him.

He stares at it, then flips the first card. It’s a five of diamonds. He pauses, and pauses.

He gets into position and does decent push-ups. Counting out, "one two three four five".

He stops. Breathes for a moment. Pauses again. Then flips another card. A three of clubs. He does three push-ups. Counting out..."one two three." Good form actually.

He stops and breathes again. Stares at the deck of cards. Then flips another card. A queen of hearts.

DJ

Fuck.

He slowly does ten push-ups, counting out, up to ten. By six his form is getting worse, and by eight he drops to his knees. He finishes the last two on his knees.

He then rolls on his back. A slight smile crosses his face. Satisfaction.

Turning back over on his hands and knees, he flips another card. A nine of spades.

DJ

Fuck!

He gets in push-up position and starts.

 

 

 

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. IVANKA AND JARED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Candles, sexy vibe. On the couch in the bedroom Jared sits between Ivanka and another woman, foxy, 30 something.

Lots of mutual attraction. Jared refills champagne glasses.

JARED

I’m buzzed. Thank God.

They all laugh.

FOXY WOMAN

Will you be a prince and grab my purse? I have a half a joint.

IVANKA

How...1970’s!

FOXY WOMAN

Right?

Jared gets up and leaves. Ivanka and the foxy woman are totally comfortable with one another.

Ivanka yells out to Jared.

IVANKA

Can you get me my water?

Ivanka and the foxy woman are getting closer to one another.

Then they kiss. Tender then passionate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jared comes back with the purse and the bottle of water.

Feeling excluded, he stands there, waiting.

JARED

Damnit, Ivanka. You always start without me.

IVANKA

My husband. The only man in town who can sulk through a threesome.

The foxy woman and Ivanka laugh. Jared smirks through it.

 

 

 

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EXT. STREETS OF NYC - DAY

Eric is walking down the street. He notices people looking at him, then looking up to the sky. Eric looks up.

In the clear blue sky, an airplane is finishing the skywriting. It says:

"Eric...mediocre I AM...w/o U. Call me. Kanye."

 

 

 

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Donald sits with Ivanka, Eric, and DJ. Jared is there too.

DONALD

Put EVERYTHING you are all doing on hold! Everything. Jared just came to me with this. It’s gonna be huge! Huge!!

IVANKA

Tell us Daddy. I can’t wait!

ERIC

I’m so excited!

DJ

Me too!

All quiet, then...

DONALD

Kids, get ready. North Korea here we come!

Donald stands and raises his arms like a victorious prize fighter. He shadow boxes, throwing some jabs and uppercuts into the air.

Ivanka and DJ are stunned. Eric is confused.

DJ

Respectfully, sir.
But...but...that’s...

Donald goes ballistic.

DONALD

Shut up and listen! Listen for ONCE in your stupid life! Future Ambassador Kushner came up with this ALL by himself. He deserves a big round of applause.

Donald and DJ and Eric applaud. Ivanka is beyond angry that Jared has stolen her idea.

IVANKA

You jealous bastard. You’ve betrayed me.

 

 

 

 

FADE TO BLACK